


You're Safe Now

by Musichick2004



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-typical rape, College, Domestic Violence, F/M, Flashback, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Pornstache Carisi, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 03:46:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8781721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musichick2004/pseuds/Musichick2004
Summary: Dominick, "Sonny" Carisi just joined Manhattan's SVU when he sees a familiar face from his past. Why did he abandon Gary all those years ago? What can he do now?Takes place in 2014 and 2001.





	1. 2014

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [Ashiepants](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashiepants/pseuds/Ashiepants) in the [SVUWinterFicFest2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SVUWinterFicFest2016) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Characters/Ship: Sonny Carisi/original character
> 
> Genre: m/f, romance, heartache
> 
> Prompt: Sonny struggling with his bisexuality. Has a girlfriend whom he hasn't told about his feelings and maybe the big reveal. She doesn't take it well or accept it. Maybe the girl who moved to LA. she finds him looking at gay porn or he's even talking to a guy online? Anything like that. He feels ashamed because he knows how he feels about her. Pre-his time at SVU. A little heartbreak for Sonny. 
> 
> Do not wants: barisi, Character death, y/n or reader insert, less than 1000 words (I like to read. Lol)
> 
> I hope this is ok--half early SVU, half college...

Sonny quickly closed the curtain before the man on the bed noticed him. “Sarge, I can’t.” He stepped past Bensen and out of the ER triage area.    
  
She looked confused, but they couldn’t leave a victim without an interview. “Call Rollins, then.” She narrowed her eyes at the retreating form of her newest detective as he waved a hand, indicating he heard her.    
  
“Hey, Rollins…I, uh…need you to take over for me on this one. Personal reasons.” Sonny slid his phone into his pocket and sat on one of the waiting room chairs. “Shit, Gary…” Gary Liederman, 31, had reported yet another incident of domestic violence, another rape, and was actually going to press charges this time. Sonny had probably seen the reports before, maybe, but the photos were all taken by nurses, none of the young man’s full face, and he’d never agreed to an interview before. This was his third ER visit in 5 months, and finally, he’d let the nurses do a rape kit and call SVU. What Sonny hadn’t realized was that Gary Liederman had taken his husband’s name when they’d married…he’d been Gary Reynolds before that. 


	2. 2001

Dominick, “Sonny,” Carisi sat at his computer, trying to make sense of what had happened, while also trying to finish his term paper. He looked at the clock and groaned. Four hours until he had to be at work. He looked at his IM screen and thought about sending a message, but it was well past Alisha’s normal bedtime. He dropped his head onto his desk with a loud *thunk*.   
  
“Hey, man, knock it off.” His roommate grumbled as he rolled over, away from the light of the computer screen. “Can’t you type in the lounge or something? Use my laptop and get out. Slacker.”   
  
Sonny sighed and saved his paper to a disk. “Thanks, man,” he whispered, even though Josh was probably already asleep again. They’d been friends for nearly 3 years…should he talk to him about it? Would he freak out? Alisha would…Sonny knew that…the kiss meant nothing, and Sonny would never risk his relationship over a stupid kiss, he really loved her, but…but the fact that he felt something when his tutor had leaned over the library table and kissed him? THAT was something.   
  
He’d noticed attractive guys before, but Gary was different. Gary Reynolds was a Sophmore to his Senior, only 18 years old, and smart as hell. Working on a double major in Physics and Chemistry, he wasn’t buff or underwear-model sexy, he was just…beautiful. He worked fluidly, hands always moving, a smile often gracing his face when he was with Sonny. A smile that made it all the way to his beautiful dark brown eyes. Gary’s smile sometimes made Sonny blush, but he figured it was a natural reaction to knowing that he’d caused someone to be happy.   
  
Three days before, Sonny had found him in the locker room of the school gym _without_ a smile on his face, and had immediately punched the asshole football player who’d caused his distress. The fear in Gary’s eyes had been palpable, and Sonny didn’t think twice. The Junior quarterback probably had a good 30 pounds on him, but Sonny was taller and scrappy. He knew how to fight, he’d fight dirty if he had to, and it seemed like the jock realized that the second he started to retaliate. Sonny stayed with Gary for hours that night, walking around the quad, talking about anything and everything except the incident, until they stopped in front of Gary’s dorm.  
  
“Thanks, Sonny. I mean it.” Gary’s hand had lingered on Sonny’s arm, but Sonny attributed it to his gratitude.  
  
“No problem, man. That guy’s a dick. You saved my ass last week on my calculus exam, I saved yours today, we’re even,” Sonny patted Gary’s hand with a giant grin.  
  
“No, the calculus exam wouldn’t have kicked my ass…that guy could’ve seriously hurt you. You didn’t have to stick your neck out like that.”  
  
Sonny shrugged, “Hey, I got three sisters, I’m used to getting my ass kicked. And it wasn’t my neck I stuck out,” He wiggled his fingers and clenched his fist, wincing slightly, “I forget how much it hurts. Guy’s built like a brick shithouse.”  
  
Frowning, Gary grabbed Sonny’s hand in both of his and inspected it gently, feeling each bone and joint as if he were a doctor. “Oh my god…I should have gotten you ice or something…” his face was turning bright red, “Do you want to come up to my room? I probably have something in my mini fridge…”  
  
“Nah, man, it’s cool. I could really use a beer right now…I’m guessin’ you don’t have those.” Sonny pulled his hand back and stretched it, “I’ll be fine tomorrow, nothing’s broken. I’ve done worse, believe me.”  
  
Gary sighed and looked at his building. “Well, I, uh…I do have stuff to get done before class tomorrow. Um…this may sound kinda weird, but…maybe we could meet up for a run in the morning? The gym is a little…”  
  
“Say no more. I’ll be here about 6?” Sonny grinned. He much preferred running outside to the stupid treadmills, and having someone to run with made it even better.   
  
“What college Senior gets up at 6?” Gary asked. “Make it 7, please. Some of us aren’t insane.”   
  
Two mornings in a row, they’d run together. Gary wasn’t quite as fast as Sonny, which was understandable, considering he was a good foot shorter. Sonny didn’t mind the easy pace, though. He did a few laps on the way to pick him up, and a few more afterwards, just to get his heart rate higher before grabbing a shower.   
  
He’d had a date with Alisha last night and been out late, so he cancelled his run this morning. He promised Gary an afternoon workout before their study session, and they’d done a quick session on the freeweights. Gary had been nervous in the locker room, but Sonny jokingly shoved him into the shower claiming he couldn’t study if he stunk.   
  
After the two were clean, they’d gone to Sonny’s cube in the library and pulled out his books. Ten minutes later, their heads inches apart, discussing some chemical reaction or another, Gary’s hand had brushed against Sonny’s. They both paused and when Sonny lifted his head, Gary’s lips met his. To his surprise, he didn’t stop the kiss…he kissed back. Briefly. And then the panic hit and he gasped, pulling away and toppling over backward in his chair. He’s Catholic…Italian…Conservative… Sonny wanted to yell at Gary, but before he could, his heart dropped. The fear he’d seen in the locker room was back, only this time it was directed at Sonny. Gary was gathering his things, ready to run, and it hurt. It physically HURT that Gary was afraid of him.   
  
Sonny had stood and gently touched Gary’s shoulder, then. He tried not to react when the man…no, _boy_ flinched. “Don’t run, OK?” Gary froze. He didn’t look at Sonny, but he’d stopped trying to grab all his stuff. “I’m not…shit…I don’t know…but this doesn’t screw with us being friends…not for me, anyway…”    
  
Gary had just nodded, then grabbed his bag and left.    
  
And now, Sonny was sitting in the lounge on the awful, uncomfortable couches that were probably older than he was, trying to make sense of this stupid Psychology term paper at 2am. He had to be at the security desk at 6 for a 4 hour shift, then just enough time for food and a shower before his 11:00 class. So much to do, and all he could think about was how his heart thudded in his chest and his entire body practically tingled when Gary had kissed him.   
  
What did it mean? _I love Alisha…she could be “the one,” I’d never break her heart…she makes me happier than I ever thought possible._   
  
He knew he didn’t want to date Gary. But he couldn’t deny there’d been something…a spark…chemistry…something.  
  
Eventually, Sonny wrote a half-assed term paper on some topic he barely remembered. He was too focused on what all this meant. He wasn’t gay…Alisha certainly was proof of that. Sonny was a boob man, through and through. Although a round, perfect ass was almost as good. A round, perfect ass like Gary’s.   
  
_Shit_.  
  
Sonny returned the laptop to his roommate’s desk, rushed to the computer lab to print the 5 page report from his 3.5” floppy disk, and just barely made it to work on time, thankful the full time officers kept a pot of coffee going in the back. Sonny’s job was to man the phones and radio the officers if there were any issues while they did their rounds. Which meant he was alone most of the time. Alone to think.  
  
He couldn’t be gay… _and_ not gay…could he? Sonny had heard of bisexuals, but he figured those were just drunk girls trying to look hotter or more popular. It was the new millennium, girls were allowed to kiss other girls, then go home to their boyfriends. Guys weren’t like that. Guys were supposed to like what they liked. If they were gay, they worked out a lot, listened to Barbara Streisand, and said things like ‘Faaaa-bulous,’ and  ‘Dah-ling.’ If they weren’t gay, then they weren’t gay. They didn’t get a little excited ‘downstairs’ just thinking about their MALE study partner.


	3. 2001

Sonny tried to bury himself in his studies. He ignored Gary’s calls the rest of the week, he fumbled his way through his calculus pop quiz (passing, just barely, on his own, thank you), he changed his workout schedule to times he knew Gary and Alisha both had class, and in general he tried to keep to himself and ignore the issue. But then he found himself asking his psychology professor about the Kinsey scale, and learning all about how the man was married, AND had a male lover. And how he tried to convince the professional medical community that this was not abnormal. How very few people were truly 100% straight, or 100% gay. Professor Sacco raised an eyebrow when he kept asking HOW Kinsey had found out about his attractions, or HOW his wife handled it. To her credit, though, she just offered Sonny the use of her personal library, so he wouldn’t have to worry about having too many Kinsey books on his record.   
  
By Friday, he realized he couldn’t ignore Alisha, at least, when she showed up at his dorm. “Sonny!” She whined, “Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in FOREVER.” She jumped into his arms and wiggled a little, then let her hands grip his ass firmly, “I’ve  _ MISSED _ you…”   
  
Normally, this would have caused Sonny to check his watch and make room in his schedule for a quickie…but not this time. His body didn’t even react. Downstairs Sonny couldn’t be bothered to come out and play. “Yeah, I’ve been busy…work, studying, you know, all of it. It’s just hitting me hard lately.” Sonny shrugged and shut his door, pulling her into his room.   
  
“Well, if you’re done with classes, I can think of something else we can get hard…” Alisha kissed him and pushed until the back of his knees hit his narrow, creaky bed.   
  
Sonny plopped down and swallowed as Alisha climbed into his lap, “Uh…about that…I mean…”  _ Come ON! _ he cursed his dick. He wanted sex, this was the first time in…well, EVER, that he hadn’t been immediately at the ready… “I think maybe we should just watch a movie or something…y’know, cuddle.” Sonny cringed internally. He didn’t  _ cuddle _ . Grown men don’t  _ cuddle _ .   
  
Alisha ground her hips against his crotch and frowned, “What’s wrong, baby? Are you sick?” She immediately cupped his cheeks and kissed his forehead, “you don’t feel like you’ve got a fever…”   
  
“Nah, babe, just stress. I dunno, maybe I’m old…” Sonny chuckled.   
  
Alisha leaned back and looked at him incredulously. “Puh-leeze. You’re 21. If you’re turning down hot, sweaty sex, there’s something  _ wrong _ . Let me help, baby.”

  
The concern in her eyes was real. Maybe they were young, but Sonny believed she was a really good person. She was smart. She loved him. She’d understand, maybe. Sonny sighed and hugged her close. “Don’t be mad, ok?”   
  
Alisha wrapped her arms around Sonny’s shoulders, “Baby, what happened? You’re scaring me…”   
  
Sonny turned his face so it was tucked against her neck, “Someone kissed me…and I stopped it, but still…I feel awful…I didn’t mean for it to happen…”   
  
Alisha pushed Sonny back and gave him a peck on the lips, “So, someone else came on to you, you politely refused, and now YOU feel guilty? God, you’re adorable!” She smiled and kissed him again, “Sweetie, you can’t help if some other girl finds you just as hot as I do. I’m not mad, not at all. I’m happy you refused, and happy you feel bad it even happened. But you don’t have to feel bad, kay?”   
  
Sonny gave her a small smile, “um…it wasn’t some other  _ girl _ …” He felt his face instantly heat up with embarrassment and fear, “it was a friend…a  _ guy _ friend…”    
  
Alisha’s face changed instantly. She scrabbled back off his lap and scoffed. “Well, fuck! That’s nasty…I hope you punched him out!”    
  
Sonny blinked in shock, “Uh…no…we’re friends…I told him I wasn’t interested, he’s embarrassed enough.”    
  
Alisha shook her head, “OK, but jesus, Sonny, what if he gave you AIDS or something?! Oh, god, and I kissed you…fuck! That’s disgusting! Why would any guy even THINK you’d be OK with that? Is he insane? Or…” She raised her hands to her mouth, “Oh my god…is that why you can’t get hard? You’re gay now? You kissed one guy and now you don’t even want me?”    
  
“No!” Sonny shot up and hugged his girlfriend, “No, Lish, no…I love you! I’m just still a little freaked out, I guess, and downstairs Sonny is too.” And then he thought about the first part of her rant, “and wait…AIDS? Seriously? Did you not pay attention in health classes in school? You can’t get AIDS from a kiss, even if he did have it, which he doesn’t. And why the hell are you so freaked NOW, when you were just fine if it was a girl?” Alisha hadn’t struck him as the homophobic type, but then again, they’d never talked about it.    
  
“Uh, HELL-O! Because it’s a guy! I’m sorry, I’m as liberal as the next college girl, and what people do behind their own closed doors is their own damn business, but when it comes to my boyfriend, I think I’m entitled to an opinion. I just don’t get the appeal, I mean, sex? Like that? That’s an out hole ONLY, so don’t you ever get any ideas, buster, and I can’t imagine why anyone would actually want it…and to come on to a guy who’s obviously straight? That’s just rude and nasty.” Alisha pulled away and folded her arms, “I mean, it’s not like you instigated anything!”    
  
Sonny decided now was not the time to discuss his inner turmoil. “No! I just don’t think it was as bad as you’re making it sound. I mean,” he shrugged, “so what, whatever, he knows I’m not interested, he won’t do it again, no big deal…”    
  
Alisha sighed, “OK Sonny, yeah, you’re right…I’m just weirded out by it, is all. You’re not gonna hang out with him anymore, right? Do I know him?” She tucked herself under Sonny’s arms.   
  
“Nah, babe. You don’t.” Sonny avoided the question about hanging out. He’d promised this wouldn’t mess with his friendship. If Alisha didn’t understand, maybe Gary would. 


	4. 2001

Sonny’s hands felt clammy as he heard the phone ring. He twisted the long cord around his finger, waiting to see if Gary would pick up.  
  
“ _Gary and Rog’s house of pizza, what’s your pleasure_?!”  
  
Nope, Roger, Gary’s roommate.   
  
“Hey, Rog, is Gary there? It’s—“   
  
“ _Gary, it’s your boyfriend, you can stop whining now…OW!”_ Sonny heard some scuffling, and he was pretty sure he heard Gary call Roger some pretty colorful names, and then he took the phone. “ _Hey, Sonny?”_   
  
“Uh, yeah…you didn’t hurt him too bad, did you?” Sonny chuckled dryly, his heart pounding in his chest.   
  
_“No, and whatever I did, he deserved_.”  
  
“Sorry I haven’t called back…” Sonny took a deep breath. Better to address the elephant in the room early, than to let it linger. “I just didn’t know what to say, cuz…” he ran his free hand over his face, “Cuz I never thought I was…I dunno, like, NOT a zero on the Kinsey scale…”   
  
Gary sucked in a breath, “ _Sonny…we don’t have to talk about this…”_   
  
“Yeah, we do. Because I don’t know who else to talk to…and I know it’s shitty of me, cuz I get the sense that maybe you like me and talking about it is gonna be awkward cuz I’m taken, but it’s kinda your fault I’m all kinds of fucked up right now.” The words came tumbling out of Sonny’s mouth, “I don’t know what to think, and I just wanna talk. Can we do that? Just talk?”   
  
_“Yeah, we can do that. Library after classes tomorrow_?”  
  
Sonny sighed with relief. “My cube. It’s quieter.” _Returning to the scene of the crime_ , Sonny thought, sarcastically.   
  
*****  
  
Sonny flopped onto the ratty 1960s-style chair near his cube, waiting for Gary. He’d failed his psych paper, but apparently Professor Sacco had taken a liking to him and offered him a redo. She suggested something about the Kinsey scale, which made him turn a brilliant shade of tomato red and nod as he backed out of her office. And now he was here, where it had all started. Waiting for the guy who’d started it. And it didn’t help at ALL that last night downstairs Sonny had decided it was time to venture out…during a dream…about Gary. “Fuck!” Sonny hissed as he slapped his hand down on the arm of the chair.  
  
“Hey now, that chair never did anything to you…” Gary appeared, pulling his messenger bag over his head and dropping it onto Sonny’s desk. He pulled himself up to sit next to it and sighed, “me, on the other hand…”   
  
“Yeah, YOU.” Sonny covered his face with his long arms and leaned back, drooping even further into the seat.   
  
Gary inhaled shakily and nodded, then slowly looked at Sonny. “Are you pissed? Cuz, you can be…I shouldn’t have…”   
  
Sonny shook his head, “Stop, man, no. Shocked, maybe, but not pissed.” He dropped his arms and threw on a smile that was just a little too wide. “hell, I’m flattered.”   
  
“Just not interested.” Gary said, defeated, “I didn’t mean to…”   
  
“Hey, I said stop.” Sonny let his smile fade, “Look…I love Alisha, I really do, but…” and boy was this HARD to admit, “but maybe if she wasn’t in my life…I might’ve been.” He slumped again, hiding behind the crooks of his elbows and took some deep breaths. “How did you know?”   
  
“Know what?”   
  
Sonny lifted one arm and peeked at his friend, “That you’re gay. Or that I wouldn’t kick your ass. Or that I’d like you kissing me. I dunno, pick one.”  
  
“I’ve known since high school, I suppose. Kissed a guy at…and don’t laugh…band camp. He played oboe, he was really nice, and we kissed, and I’m pretty sure I fell in love right then and there. That stupid puppy dog love. Never talked to him again, but I just couldn’t picture feeling that way about a girl, y’know?” He shrugged, “And I didn’t know you wouldn’t kick my ass. I mean, I guess part of me did, cuz you’re not like that, but part of me freaked out.”  
  
Sonny nodded, his gut still clenching at the thought of the fear in Gary’s eyes.  
  
“And logically, I didn’t know you might…like…it…” he struggled to find the words. “I kinda hoped, I guess. I mean, you’re nice to me, and you were my knight in freakin shining armor, and it’s not like I hide that I’m gay…come on…I play flute in the orchestra.” Gary gave a small smile and held up his hands, shaking them, “like, HEL- _LO_. And you never freaked if I touched you or something, and I have… _had_ …a crush on you, and then you touched my hand, and we were so close…” He shrugged, “my lips got ahead of my brain, I guess.”   
  
Sonny nodded. “I’ve never thought about it. Not before…” he gestured toward the cube. “And I liked it. Like, I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t even sleep without thinking about…” again, he gestured. “But I love my girlfriend. I do. And she TOTALLY does it for me. Y’know, _that_ way. Little Sonny is very happy with the arrangements. So why can’t I stop thinking about it? Why am I dreaming…” he cut himself off.   
  
Gary blushed, “You’re dreaming about me?”  
  
Sonny snorted, “Yeah, ok, I did…once…keep your ego in check.” He gave Gary a genuine smile then, “I also dream about Pamela Anderson on a fairly regular basis. Anyway, I know I’m not gay, but I don’t know if I’m just freaked out, or if maybe I kinda like guys too? How the hell do I figure it out? I won’t cheat, that’s not cool, I just…I dunno, man.”   
  
Gary looked a little less freaked out after that smile. “Porn? Maybe? I mean, it doesn’t really matter, does it? If you love Alisha, it’s not like you’re gonna be looking at guys anyway.”   
  
Sonny nodded. “True. But I should know who I am, right?” Gary shrugged, then Sonny continued, “That all being said…I still need your help. I’m shitty at this whole studying thing.”   
  
Gary snorted and hopped off the desk, “OK, what’s the worst? Calculus?”  
  
“Always.” Sonny scrabbled to grab his books.   



	5. 2002

It’d been a few months, and Sonny had finally decided to try Gary’s suggestion. Alisha had pretty much forgotten about the incident, and their sex life was nearly normal, but Sonny had to know. His roommate was gone for the weekend, and Alisha had gone out with some friends, so Sonny decided to do a scientific test. He opened the stopwatch portion of his watch and took some deep breaths. He’d already done some searching and had two websites with videos up on his computer. He’d queued them to a similar starting point earlier—naked participants kissing—and jerked off in the shower, thinking about Alisha the whole time. He took 20 minutes to work on some non-sexy things, then sat in front of his desktop and hit the stop watch. About 30 seconds into the straight porn, he was starting to get hard, and by 3 minutes in, he was fully hard and aching. He shut the video off and jerked off, thinking about the images he’d just watched, in another 30 seconds.   
  
To be fair, he gave himself 30 minutes this time, working on his stupid final thesis paper, and then returned to the computer. He hit ‘play’ on the video of two young men kissing, and felt himself immediately perk up. Less than two minutes, and he was leaking onto his belly. Screw it, he thought, as he fisted his cock and began to jerk off. Science be damned, this video was hot, and he kept his hand moving as he watched. After ten minutes, just as the guy on his back was shooting his load across the bed, Sonny heard movement behind him and a loud gasp. He was so close, his brain didn’t register whose gasp it was until after he’d cum himself.   
  
_Shit_ .   
  
Sonny used his t-shirt to wipe himself clean, then pulled up his pajama pants and sprinted out the door, shirtless, to find Alisha in the lounge pacing. “Tell me that just came on after whatever you were actually watching, Dominick. Tell me you weren’t actually watching that filth on purpose.”   
  
_No more lies_ . “No. I needed to know, Lish. I’m not gonna cheat on you to find out, so this was the best way.”   
  
“Needed to know _what_ ?!” She shouted, then stepped close, inches from his face, “That you’re a faggot?” she hissed. “Gonna take it up the ass, now, Dominick?”   
  
Sonny’s jaw dropped at the venom in her tone. He never meant to upset her like this. “No! Lish, I love YOU, ok? I just needed to see if maybe I’m not…100% straight, y’know?” He shrugged sheepishly, “See, back in the ‘50s, this guy Kinsey had this theory that most people aren’t TOTALLY one way or the other, and maybe I’m a little bit not straight. It doesn’t mean things would change between US, though. I just didn’t know. I figured if I compared straight porn to…to….yeah, that…then I’d have my answer.”   
  
Alisha crossed her arms, “and what was your answer, Dominick?”   
  
Sonny cringed. He hated when she used his given name. It was like when his mom yelled at him when he was little. “I liked it. I liked ‘em both. Maybe I’m just bi. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna find someone else, baby.”   
  
Alisha softened at the endearment. “OK. OK, it’s OK.” She breathed deep, “but now it’s out of your system, right? No more of this weirdness? Just you and me?”   
  
“Yeah, babe. Definitely.” He pulled her close. “I’m glad Gary suggested it.”   
  
Alisha froze. “Wait, GARY Gary? As in, geeky sophomore Gary who helps with your studying? Is he the one who kissed you?!”   
  
Sonny nodded, “Yeah, but it’s cool now, he’s actually dating this freshman named Darrin, they’re adorable…”   
  
Alisha frowned. “Dominick Carisi Jr., I’m going to tell you this once and only once. That boy started this whole mess, and I don’t want you having anything to do with him. If I find out that you’ve talked to him, even ONCE more, we’re through. How can you get over this whole ‘bisexual’ thing if you’re hanging out three times a week with a faggot?”   
  
“We’re friends, Lish,” Sonny gaped, “I can’t just ditch him because of who he’s dating, that’s cold.”   
  
“Then you can ditch me. Your choice. I’ll meet you outside the theatre tomorrow for our date. You have until then to decide.” Alisha flipped her long blonde hair and stormed out of the lounge.   
  
Sonny felt like he’d been punched in the gut.


	6. 2002

It was Gary’s birthday. Sonny didn’t even know how to contact him if he could. Which dorm was he in? What was his PO box at the mail room? Did he even return to school, or transfer? It’d been almost 8 months since he’d stopped talking to his friend, and his computer had popped up with a reminder. He remembered setting it last year, a little before the whole kissing debacle. And it made him feel like a heel. He closed the calendar in his email with a sigh. He was doing OK, he was sure Gary was fine. They were both adults, and sometimes being an adult is hard. You gotta make hard choices.    
  
“Hey baby, how does sausage, pepper, and onion pasta sound?” He called to his girlfriend, stretched out on the couch. They’d moved into this tiny dump of an apartment after school, and now that he’d finally made it through basic training, had been able to buy some decent furniture. He was just a beat cop, but at least it was steady pay.    
  
“Yeah, that’s fine.” She mumbled, flipping through her textbook, glasses perched on her nose.    
  
Sonny smiled. He was lucky. Lucky she stayed. He knew he was no prize, but she went with it and supported him when he wanted to join the force instead of doing more school. He worked long hours, but she had lots of friends to hang out with, mostly from Grad school, so they didn’t fight about his hours anymore. He slipped into the kitchen and began making his simple pasta dish, thinking about the ring he had on layaway at the jewelers. Two more payments, and it’d be his to give to her. He danced and hummed as he cooked.   
  
“Stop dancin’, jeez, that’s so  _ gay _ .” Alisha came in and swatted his ass as she passed through the galley kitchen toward the front door. “I forgot I have study group tonight…we’re gonna go out to eat, maybe grab Chinese at Lee’s, sorry babe.” She kissed his cheek, snagged a piece of cooked sausage, and left before he could object.   
  
Sonny looked down at the double serving of food that was just about finished. He tried to brush it off, tried to tell himself it didn’t mean anything. Alisha was trying to get her masters, she needed to study. He couldn’t tell her not to, right? He wasn’t some controlling bastard.     
  
But maybe he could show her friends how sweet he was. Sonny suddenly perked up and swept the food into a glass container for later. He would show them all how much she meant to him. He was romantic, damnit.    
  
An hour later, Sonny had donned his best suit—which wasn’t the greatest, but it fit, at least—and grabbed a rose from a street vender. He stepped out of his beat up car and walked casually to the window of their local Chinese place, Lee’s Express. He immediately spotted Alisha, laughing and smiling, flipping her long hair over her shoulder. He grinned until he noticed she wasn’t with a group of friends. She was with one person. One man. An older, well-dressed man. She laughed, she touched his arm, his hand, her own neck and chest. Sonny’s brain tried to reason with him. Tried to tell him maybe he was just a professor, and maybe she was just being friendly. He could still drop in with a rose, right?   
  
Until she leaned forward and whispered something in his ear that sent his hand beneath the table, then she kissed him. On the lips.    
  
Sonny dropped the rose, got into his car, and went home. Alisha didn’t get in until nearly 2am, and she headed straight for the shower. Sonny fought to keep his stomach under control, and when she slid into bed next to him and tried to wrap her arm around him, he shoved her off. “Don’t.” He hissed.    
  
“What?” She sounded genuinely surprised.    
  
“Don’t you dare touch me. I’ll be on the couch. And I expect you out of here in a week.” Sonny grabbed his pillow and stormed out of the room.    
  
“Dominick!?” Alisha whimpered, “What happened? I’m sorry, I should have mentioned dinner, I didn’t think it’d be a big deal…please, baby, don’t be mad…I know I’ve spent too much time with my friends lately…”    
  
“Not friends, ‘ _ baby _ ,’ one friend. Tell me, how many times did you fuck him tonight, huh?” Sonny’s eyes flashed with anger, and he gripped the pillow so tight he thought it might rip.   
  
“What are you talking about?” She played innocent so well, Sonny might have fallen for it if he hadn’t witnessed it with his own eyes.    
  
“Your friend at the restaurant. I wanted to surprise you…but you surprised me. Get the fuck out of my apartment.” Sonny slammed the door and dropped onto the couch.    
  
Alisha stormed out of the bedroom then, all semblance of innocence gone now. “Good, you know what, it’s about fucking time you manned up. At least Josh is a real man. Not some sissy trying to play house. You’re all sappy and clingy and girly, and I know why. You don’t want me. You want a man. Someone to take care of you. You want someone else to be the man in your relationship. I’m just finally realizing I can’t be with someone like that.” She slammed the door hard enough for their downstairs neighbor to yell up the fire escape about the noise.    
  
Sonny tried not to. He tried to be strong and bite his tongue. He tried to be stoic and manly. But in the end, as she dragged the last of her things out of their tiny apartment, he cried. He cancelled the layaway on the ring and got his money back, and he cried. Maybe she was never truly good for him, but it didn’t matter. She’d left because of who he was. He couldn’t let that happen again. Especially on the force.    
  
Maybe he could grow a mustache. Make him look older. More manly. Less sappy and clingy. Officer Dominick “Call-Me-Sonny” Carisi, eternal jokester. The totally straight, callous, oblivious jokester.    
  
He could do that. 


	7. 2014

Sonny stood as the two women stepped out from behind the curtain. “He’s still pressing charges?”    
  
Bensen nodded, then cocked her head to the side slightly. “Wanna explain what the hell that was about?”    
  
“Personal, that’s all. I know…knew…him. Didn’t want it to affect the case or anything.” Sonny shrugged, trying to minimize the rolling nausea he felt when he thought about how bad Gary had looked.    
  
Rollins smiled, “good thinking. Docs said he’s OK for visitors. Obviously, his dick of a husband won’t be here, he’ll be hanging out with us. Might help him to see a friendly face.”    
  
When Sonny finally got up the nerve to slip inside the curtain, Gary’s eyes were closed and his breathing was soft and even. Sonny sat down in the single chair stuck in the corner and watched the man sleep.    
  
“Didn’t your mom tell you it’s not nice to stare?”    
  
Sonny jumped at the sound of Gary’s voice, slightly deeper than he remembered, and a little hoarse. “Hey…uh…thought you were sleeping…I don’t know if you remember…”    
  
Gary winced as he chuckled twice, and his eyes fluttered open. The same beautiful brown eyes. “’Course I remember. Sonny Carisi…too bad you’re too late to save the day here. I know someone who could really use a good right hook.”    
  
Sonny smiled. “How’d you know I was here?” He quickly rushed to Gary’s aid as the man tried to sit up farther in the bed.    
  
“Aside from your awful pornstache that is now seared into my brain, and your hasty retreat the second you saw me in all my bruised glory? Your blonde friend, Amanda, spilled the beans. Not to me, just mentioned to your boss that you’d called her, and I put the pieces together.” Gary shook his head, “Why are you still here? You got your statement. I’m pressing charges, I’ve already filed for divorce—hence the broken ribs. You can go.”    
  
Sonny felt a sharp stab of guilt, “I’m here because I wanna be. Keep you company until your family comes.”    
  
Gary huffed and shook his head. “What fucking family? I chose that bastard over them. They disowned me before I hit 25. I thought I knew everything, and I’d show them. Look at me now.” He ran a hand down his gown-covered, bandaged body, “guess you were right, Dad. Nothing good ever comes from being a queer.”    
  
“Stop that.” Sonny grabbed Gary’s hand, “stop. You chose to be who you are. OK, maybe the person you did that  _ with _ is a lowlife son of a bitch, but that’s not your fault, and it CERTAINLY doesn’t make your dad right.”    
  
Gary pulled his hand back with a sneer, “And what the fuck would you know about it? You graduated with honors, then *poof!* You were gone. How did your family feel about you being queer, huh? Oh, wait, you can hide it a hell of a lot easier. You and Alisha get married? Have a whole bunch of little Italian babies?”    
  
Sonny dropped his head, “Nah, I never told you, but she wasn’t too keen on the idea of dating someone ‘like me.’” He felt his skin getting hot. “I picked her…and she flew to California anyway.”    
  
A soft puff of air was all Sonny heard as Gary let his head fall back onto the pillow. “That why you never called?”    
  
“Yeah. Young and stupid, man. Both of us, really. She figured if I didn’t talk to you, I’d get over being bisexual. I figured she’d get over her issues with it. We lived together the whole summer, she did a semester of grad school out here, I joined the force, then she transferred anyway. I had a ring and everything.”  He left out the lying and the cheating. Gary had it 10 times worse.   
  
Gary’s hand snaked back over the bed, reaching for Sonny’s. “Shit. Guess we both know how to pick ‘em, huh?”    
  
Sonny nodded and raised his eyes to the man he’d once considered a friend. “I shoulda called, though. That was real shitty of me. But then Alisha was gone, and I figured you wouldn’t want to hear from me after I ditched you like that.”    
  
“Eh, water under the bridge. I don’t have the energy to hold a grudge anymore.” He sounded tired, his words slurring slightly from the pain.   
  
“Hey, you need somethin’? I can call a nurse…” Sonny stood and pushed the button.    
  
“I got a fancy button to push…” Gary held up the button attached to the morphine pump on his IV pole. “’S nice.”   
  
Ah, so the slurring was more from the drugs than pain. “OK, if you start seeing pink elephants, I’m cutting you off.”    
  
“Y’already cut me off, Sonny…I missed you. Not just when you weren't there the time that jock caught me in the locker room again, but like REALLY missed you…But we were young, right? Stupid…can’t be friends if I’m in love with you right?” Gary’s eyes were glassed over, a slight smile on his face, “probably a dream anyway…Sonny Carisi, here to save the day…” his eyes fluttered shut just as the nurse came in the room.    
  
Sonny shook his head at her and held up the morphine button with a small smile. She nodded and cancelled the alert, then quietly left. “Jesus, Gary. I fucked up.” He settled back into the chair to wait. He wouldn't leave his friend again.   



	8. 2014

“Yeah, Sarge, I got it. I’ll stay, but a uniform would help too. Thanks.” Sonny hung up the phone with a curse. He looked back at the closed door of Gary’s room and headed to the nurse’s station for some coffee. They’d been great since Gary had been moved, calling Sonny things like 'adorable’ and 'sweet.’ Whatever, it didn't matter, as long as he got coffee out of it. He filled his cup and dialed the front desk, putting a lock on any information on Gary. His husband wasn't home or at any of his usual haunts, so now Gary needed protection.

Satisfied with his attempts at securing the patient, Sonny quietly slipped into Gary’s room. He hadn't woken since the ER, and Sonny didn't want to disturb him.

Until he heard whispering.

“Come on, you know how sorry I am, baby. I just freaked out when you said you were leaving me…”

It wasn't Gary.

“I wanted to show you how much I love you. I wanted to make love to you, baby, that’s all. I know you're mad, but I'll make it up to you, it'll never happen again…”   


Sonny steeled his nerves and slid back the curtain surrounding the bed. “Who are you?” He knew damn well who this piece of shit was, but he needed to be sure.

The man shot up and stood between Sonny and the hospital bed. _Possessiv_ _ e _ . “I’m his husband. Who the  _ fuck _ are you?”

Sonny calmly sat his coffee on the counter next to the sink, then lunged at the shorter, stockier man. Within seconds, he was pinned, face-first onto the floor, his arms twisted painfully behind his back, with Sonny’s knee pressing against his spine. “Jacob Liederman, you’re…”

Before Sonny could continue, the man started thrashing and kicking his legs, nearly knocking over Gary’s IV. “What the FUCK!?! Get off me! I’ll call the cops! You got no right! This is a hate crime!”

Several nurses came running into the room at the commotion and one of them had the forethought to move everything out of kicking range.

Sonny clicked the handcuffs around Jacob's wrist and snarled at him, “I  _ am _ the cops, jackass. Jacob Liederman, you're under arrest for the rape and attempted murder of Gary Liederman. You have the right to remain silent…”

As Sonny continued to recite Jacob's Miranda rights from memory, a nurse dialed 911 and uniformed officers arrived, with Fin and Rollins, in a matter of minutes.

“So, it wasn't a dream…” Gary finally said, after everyone but Sonny had left the room.

“Nope.” Sonny felt his face get warmer as he thought about what he was going to ask. “Hey, about earlier, before you konked out…”

Gary scrunched his face, like he was struggling to remember. “Uh...what did I do? Cuz sometimes these drugs make me a little loopy. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely a stranger to them.”

Sonny shook his head. He’d skip the whole 'love’ part. “You said the jock...came back. After I graduated.”

Gary sighed. “Yup.” He didn't offer any more information.

Sonny swallowed, “What did he...I mean, did you ever report it?”

A sarcastic snort came from the bed, “yeah, like they did a damn thing. Yes, I reported it. They called him in and he acted like he was seduced by the little faggot, and they tried to suspend ME for raping him. I was the one with blood on my thighs, but that didn't matter. He thought it was a big joke, and because he was the star quarterback, a ladies man, everyone believed him. I just stopped going to the gym. God knows he wasn't in any of my advanced classes.”

Sonny closed his eyes and dropped his head. “Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. Damnit, I was a cop by then. I coulda been there for you. Skipped the school reporting, go straight to SVU.” He looked at his friend. “I’m fucking sorry. All of it. There’s still time to press charges if--”

Gary shook his head, “no. He got his ass kicked by someone else later that year, blew his knee. Karma. Without the football, he was just a dumb idiot who couldn't finish his degree. Jacob, on the other hand...he’s a lawyer. You’ll have your hands full with him.” Gary fisted the blanket across his lap. “Speaking of...can you…” he waved at the large floral arrangement and stuffed bear and ‘get well’ balloons.

“God, yeah...hey...the docs said you could get around if you wanted, do you wanna use those for some good?”

Gary looked confused, but nodded.

Twenty minutes later, Sonny was pushing Gary in a wheelchair down the hall, distributing red roses to little old ladies, and balloons to small children. He gasped a little at the pair of young men sitting outside a pediatric room, holding each other. Their daughter was diagnosed with lymphoma, and there was a chance she wouldn't make it. Sonny dug the large bear from the bag behind the wheelchair and Gary handed it to the two men. “For luck. He’s a good bear, he deserves a good home.”

Back in the room, Gary wearily curled into bed. “Sonny Carisi, thank you. You're sweet. That hasn't changed a bit.”

Sonny cringed a little at the endearment. He’d spent a long time trying  _ not _ to be sweet. But Gary isn't seem to notice as he drifted off to sleep.


	9. 2014

“I can unlock my own door, thank you…” Gary grumbled, as Sonny tried to wrangle the keys along with everything else he’d insisted on carrying.

“Are you sure you wanna stay here?” Sonny asked, concerned, “you could get a hotel for a few days, get someone to clean it up?”

Gary shook his head, “No. He’s in jail, and I believe your DA when he says he won't see the light of day for a long time. I just need to pick up and move on. I finally can.”

The pair stepped into the living room, and Sonny immediately got to work. He found the broom and dustpan first, and swept up the broken glass in the kitchen, then pulled all the sheets and blankets off the bed, trying to ignore the drops and smears of blood. “Where’s your clean sheets?” He asked, arms overloaded with the laundry.

Gary smiled at the sight and pointed at the linen closet. “I’ll make us some lunch. And NO complaining!” It wasn't comfortable, but making two sandwiches was something he could do.

Later, with the apartment cleaned, and the living room rearranged, per Sonny's suggestion, they sat on the sofa and started a movie in the DVD player. Gary gently leaning against Sonny, Sonny's arm over his shoulders. “Sonny?” Gary asked.

“Hmm?”

“I remember what I said...that first night in the hospital.” He whispered.

Sonny waited.

“I meant it. I loved you. And I want to love you again, but...you're still the knight in shining armor, and I'm just damaged goods.”

Sonny tenderly shifted Gary back so he could look at him properly. “No, don't say that.” He stroked Gary's cheek, “I’m gonna be totally honest with you, ok? Cuz I screwed up before and I don't wanna do it again. I can't. Not now.” He held Gary's face as he tried to pull back, “hey, I'm not done. You need time. For you. I'm not gonna leave, but I want to be your friend first, ok? If we’re gonna do this, it can't be some rebound thing, or just you feeling like you owe me or something. I want it to be real. You get that?”

Gary couldn't help the tear that rolled down his cheek as he nodded. “Friends again.”

Sonny quirked a smile, “Yeah. Friends. To start.”

Whatever was going to happen between them would work itself out, but for now, Sonny was glad his friend was safe and taken care of and he’d never be hurt again. Not if he could help it.


End file.
